Christmas Has Gone to the Dogs: A Letter From the Desk of Mr. Burbs and Ms. Bailey

Dear Humans,

As we’re sure many of you are aware (or at least we hope you are aware because if you are not, then there is most likely something seriously wrong with your head...) Christmas time is here. Yes, it is time for happiness and cheer, and oh, by gosh, by golly it's time for mistletoe and holly, tasty pheasants, Christmas presents, and countrysides covered with snow. Yes it is most definitely that time of year once again.

While tasty pheasants and countrysides covered with snow may not be something you have hopes of encountering this Christmas, we would like to make you on offer that just may soothe those pangs of sadness you are sure to be experiencing due to the before mentioned lack of tasty pheasant and snow to enjoy right this second. Presents. Move over baby Jesus, we all know Christmas is not about you anymore. It’s all about the presents. There is actually a motion to change the name of Christmas to Presentmas, that way people can truly understand what they are celebrating each year. But we digress. In keeping with the holiday spirit, it is customary to give gifts to people in your life. Yes, we know what you are thinking. For a holiday called Presentmas, why do I have to give gifts? Shouldn’t I simply sit back and graciously accept all the wonderful presents I am offered that I ever so deserve?! Yes, dear reader, we understand your pain, but it is a pain that is sadly unavoidable. We have been trying for years to find a way to receive gifts without actually having to give any so we can truly celebrate the day the way it is meant to be celebrated, but alas, it is not possible. Somehow, people have come to the conclusion that in order to receive presents one must give presents. We say bah humbug! to that. It pains us to admit, but this is the only way. We must swallow our grinchy pride. As we so dearly wish to receive many a bright colored package this year, we must give out many a gift in return.

This brings us to the reason for our longwinded message. What would you like for Christmas? We would say Presentmas as it so rightly deserves to be called, but we have surmised that the way to receive maximum amounts of presents is to be as politically correct as possible, that way, people from all realms of society, even the ones who (gasp) do not celebrate Presentmas, will give us giftys. Therefore, with as much joy and love as we can manage to pretend to have without passing out from the effort of appearing oh so kind and generous and not at all our natural green grinchy selves, what would you like to receive under your holiday tree on one December 25th 2009? If someone were to sing to you, on the twelfth day of the holiday season, some person gave to meeee: (what would you put here?). For example, one might say: Bring us a figgy pudding and bring it right now or it’s Christmas and I want everything. But if you could be specific, as in leaning more towards the figgy pudding than everything, we would greatly appreciate it.

Alright dear friend, this seems to be all we have to say at the moment. We do hope this letter of joy finds you well. We have been working hard all day to make your holidays more enjoyable. Yes, after waking up at twelve, we lounged around and thought about what you wanted for Christmas/Presentmas/Grinchmas before it became too much for our fragile minds to handle. Now we are currently napping and writing this letter to you. We are multi-taskers, yes we are!

With Lots of Licks,
Your Own Personal Grinchy Monsters,
Mr. Herbs and Demon Dog
AKA Burbs and Bailey, Inc.

PS- We pooped in the refrigerator. Are you mad or are you amazed? We are inclined to think you are amazed.

So that's why I'm always cold!

Why do women always feel colder than men? - Times Online

Where Did the Rain Go?

Today, I made an oath to myself to get as much work done as humanly possibly. Since making this oath at about, say, 10am this morning, I have done absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing productive that is. Actually, I would like to say that productivity is a relative term; it is quite duplicitous in its meaning. To some, what I did today was in fact very, very productive. I made my bed. I ate lunch. I did the dishes. I started watching season 1 of Dollhouse. I wrote out a to-do list. I created a sparknotes version of my to-do list, only including the very important to-dos. I also, somehow, came across this fairly awesome blog called "Ethel the Frog". Read the list I have expertly cut-and-pasted below. Hilarity will ensue.

* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
* I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
* I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
* There is a great need for a “sarcasm font”.
* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
* I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
* Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
* How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
* Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
* What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
* Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
* I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
* I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
* Bad decisions make good stories.
* Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
* Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
* There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
* I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
* “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
* I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
* Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
* I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
* Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my butt everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
* I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
* I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.