Today, I made an oath to myself to get as much work done as humanly possibly. Since making this oath at about, say, 10am this morning, I have done absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing productive that is. Actually, I would like to say that productivity is a relative term; it is quite duplicitous in its meaning. To some, what I did today was in fact very, very productive. I made my bed. I ate lunch. I did the dishes. I started watching season 1 of Dollhouse. I wrote out a to-do list. I created a sparknotes version of my to-do list, only including the very important to-dos. I also, somehow, came across this fairly awesome blog called "Ethel the Frog". Read the list I have expertly cut-and-pasted below. Hilarity will ensue.
* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
* I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
* I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
* There is a great need for a “sarcasm font”.
* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
* I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
* Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
* How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
* Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
* What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
* Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
* I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
* I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
* Bad decisions make good stories.
* Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
* Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
* There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
* I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
* “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
* I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
* Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
* I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
* Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my butt everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
* I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
* I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
* I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
* I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
* There is a great need for a “sarcasm font”.
* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
* I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
* Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
* How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
* Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
* What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
* Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
* I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
* I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
* Bad decisions make good stories.
* Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
* Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
* There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
* I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
* “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
* I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
* Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
* I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
* Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my butt everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
* I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
* I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
